Is It Better to Give Than Receive?
By Jill Barrett, Evolve Impact Founder & Managing Partner
With holiday gift giving all around us, I wonder what you think of the familiar idea, “It’s better to give than receive.” Do you agree?
Many people have trouble receiving, whether it’s a compliment, a present or even a hug. To receive a gift from the world can be a real challenge. Why?
These lovely humans may be stuck in something psychotherapist Steven Kessler calls the Compensated Merging Pattern. According to Steven's Five Personality Patterns, people in the Compensated Merging Pattern continually direct their focus and energy outside of themselves, toward the other person. They want to be the solution to everyone's problems. They may “collect needy people,” focusing so much attention on what others need that they lose contact with their own needs. They're nice to you so you'll like them and help them. They try to give you what you need, even if it's not what they want or need. In fact, they forget that they have any wants or needs. After years of doing this, they embody the archetype of the Martyr. When the moment comes to receive a gift, they cannot take it in. They miss out on the nourishment and connection that gifts provide. Like all Martyrs, they burn out.
On the flip side, did you know that many people struggle with giving? They have difficulty expressing themselves and taking action in the world.
We might assess these splendid people as being in the Enduring Pattern. Their attention and energy pull in and goes down in their body so that they can hide, or at least hunker down and endure whatever is coming. They might agree with you on the outside, but on the inside, they resist you and think, “Leave me alone. I need my space.” We see this pattern in leadership, too. Like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, everything feels heavy and stuck. They don't take action; they just endure and fuss. Since so much energy goes to managing their own burdens, it doesn't occur to them that they have gifts to offer the world. That others want to see them and experience their gifts.
How about you? What's your tendency? Can you absorb the gifts that surround you this holiday season? Whether holiday presents or other kinds of gifts—like good health, a loving family, the natural world that surrounds us, try letting it all in. What about giving? Can you offer your gifts to the people around you? Do you think you have anything to offer? Try turning some of your energy outward, expressing what you have to offer through generosity and action. (For those of you who are suffering this season after losing a loved one or having a health challenge, you may want to ignore all of this and simply shower yourself with compassion!)
At the heart of it is what the beloved Jewish song Yihiyeh Tov expresses: learning to live together. This is the greater gift. When we develop the capacity both to give and to receive, we help create a more flourishing, interconnected world.
The Practice of Giving and Receiving
Giving and receiving are both relational capacities. Each asks us to remain connected to ourselves while staying open to other people.
Giving without receiving can become depletion. Receiving without giving can become disconnection. The deeper practice is developing the capacity for both: knowing what we need, recognizing what we have to offer and allowing the exchange between us to strengthen rather than diminish us.
Perhaps the question is not whether it is better to give than receive. It is whether we have learned how to do both.